What to do When You're Freaking Out
When we’re born, we are completely dependent on our parents or caregiver. They provide us with food, shelter, love, and the kind of soothing we need to feel ok. A mother coos at, sings softly, or gently rocks a fussy baby, and the baby calms. This is called co-regulation. From a nervous system perspective, it is the mother’s regulated nervous (and subsequent behavior) that helps regulate the baby’s dysregulated nervous system.
As we get older and our brains develop further, we gain the skills and tools to learn how to soothe our own systems. This is called self-regulation. In childhood, this might look like sucking a thumb, snuggling a stuffed animal, or humming quietly. This is not only a great skill for these little kiddos, it’s essential learning for the rest of life.
The ability to self-regulate turns out to be super important to our ability to be ok mentally and emotionally, when we’re alone or when we’re with others. Self-regulation allows us to take our nervous system out of fight/flight/freeze and into a regulated state when a parent, partner, or friend isn’t available. Or when they just aren’t able to help get us there.
When we experience a threat (or the perception of a threat; physical, mental, or emotional), our nervous system sends us into fight, flight, or freeze mode. This might look like:
Fight: anger, rage, controlling, defensiveness, feeling hot, elevated heart rate, explosive behavior, physical altercation
Flight: physically or emotionally running away, difficulty listening, fidgety, anxious or panicky
Freeze: emotional collapse, mentally disengaged, isolated, numb, dissociated, stuck, difficulty making decisions
This is protective and absolutely what our nervous system is supposed to do. Sometimes, it is what keeps us alive. And sometimes, we need to help our nervous system get us back to a regulated state. The regulated nervous system is sometimes called the “reflect and connect” state or the “social engagement system” (because we have full mental capacity for self-reflection and we are more open and available to connection with others). If we’re in fight/flight/freeze mode all the time, or entirely dependent on other people to keep us regulated (co-regulation), it makes it really hard to have a mutually giving and receiving relationship with others.
When we’re in fight/flight/freeze we cannot think well. We lose access to our prefrontal cortex––the part of our brain that helps us plan, decide, and think critically. When the alarm bells of our nervous system go off, this part of our brain is shut off. It’s no use trying to think our way out of it, we don’t have the capability when in fight/flight/freeze. Self-regulation helps us bring this part of our brain back online. If we want to be able to think, plan and communicate effectively, we first have to soothe our nervous system.
In therapy, the presence of a well-regulated therapist will help clients through co-regulation. But it is equally important for a client, both within and outside of the therapeutic space, to have the ability to self-regulate. Wondering how to do that? You’re probably already doing it. But here are a few of my favorite ways to self-regulate and get grounded:
Deep breathing - this is the fastest way to de-stress. It’s amazingly simple but amazingly effective at letting your body know “we are ok.” Try inhaling for 4 counts, hold your breath for 4, and exhale for 4 counts. This is called box breathing.
Embrace - Cross your arms over your chest and give yourself a tight squeeze. This can help you find the edges of our body and offer light pressure (the squeeze) that sort of communicates “I got you.”
Take a walk - If you can clue into your senses, even better. What do you hear? See? Smell? Take in your surroundings.
Body scan - Start at your toes and slowly move up your body from toe to head, pausing with each area of your body or muscle group to focus in and bringing your attention to each area. Notice any sensations without judging or trying to change them: pulsing, tingling, pressure, muscle constriction, pain, heat, cold, dry, damp. Really simple but really effective at getting us back into our bodies.
5 senses - Starting with your sight, observe (aloud) 5 things you can see. Next observe 4 things you can feel with your sense of touch. Move to your hearing sense and notice 3 things you can hear. Then name 2 things you can taste. And finally 1 thing you can smell.
Music - Pick a song that’s soothing and calming to you. Or create a playlist of a handful of songs that you find comforting and grounding. When you need it, cue it up.
I encourage my clients to explore different ways of self-soothing or self-regulating to find what works for them. You might also take note of ways you already self-regulate, without even realizing it. Even small gestures like twirling hair or reaching for your coziest sweater are ways that we bring comfort to our bodies. Having some tried and true practices for self-regulating in your back pocket for when you need them most will serve you for the rest of your life. Click here for more on somatic therapy.