Sex Talks: How to have a healthier sex life
I recently read a new book by Vanessa and Xander Marin called Sex Talks. Sex and relationship therapist Vanessa, together with her husband Xander, identify five key conversations to “create the sex life of your wildest dreams.” While I’m always skeptical of a therapy book that has whittled complex problems down into a tidy number of steps, I was curious, and who doesn’t wish they could solve their mental or emotional problems with a 3-7 step wave of a magic therapy wand?
From the very beginning, I’m grateful that Vanessa and Xander are normalizing common issues and sticking points for couples regarding sex and intimacy. Turns out, you’re not alone! They do a great job from the get-go of speaking to issues that are often sources of shame and tend to be kept in hiding. We can undo the shame that can show up around sex by bringing those issues out into the open, talking about them with partners, trusted friends, or a therapist.
The authors have broken things down into five essential conversations every couple needs to have to have a healthy sex life:
Get comfortable and even have fun talking about sex
Stay emotionally connected
Turn each other on
Make each other feel good
Keep the spark alive for life
So many sex and intimacy issues for couples are the result of a lack of communication. Each conversation is peppered with exercises or practices to do alone or with a partner who may also be reading the book. Sex Talks provides the sex education that is lacking for so many couples.*
It’s very common for couples coming to therapy to acknowledge some degree of discrepancy in their sexual desire. Because sex tends to be such a vulnerable subject to talk about, it can be really helpful to have a third party present in these conversations. As a couples therapist that often supports people with concerns around sex and intimacy, here are a few key takeaways from Sex Talks that I think can quickly begin to move the needle when couples are stuck:
Identify specific goals for your sex life. It’s not enough to say “I want us to have a better sex life”––get specific! Do you want to have more playful sex, try new positions? Are you missing emotional intimacy to help support your sexual intimacy? Do you want to orgasm for the first time?
Identify sexual boundaries. To have a healthy sex life, it’s important that there is a feeling of safety, that it’s ok to say “no thanks” or have limits as to what you’re able or willing to try. Let your partner know if there are specific boundaries to what you’re comfortable with in the bedroom. They won’t know about these unless you tell them.
Unpack sexual baggage: these are negative, limiting or unwanted beliefs. This is a little different from sexual boundaries, it’s more about what you were told about sex or what you picked up along the way that you may be carrying around now as sexual baggage. This may have come from pop-culture or oppressive religious ideals. Or maybe sex was just never talked about (see note on sex ed below), so you got the idea that it wasn’t ok, was scary, painful, or only to please your partner. In order to move forward from these beliefs, they first need to be identified and unpacked. If your sexual baggage veers into the territory of trauma, talk to a professional. You’re not alone, and us therapists are here to help with this.
Practice non-sexual touch. This is more important than you might think. Non-sexual touch, like hugging, kissing, or placing a hand on a shoulder or knee, communicates a sense of physical and emotional closeness, a desire to be near, and a sense of safety and comfortability. If physical touch becomes solely associated with sex, that can start to feel like a lot of pressure for some partners. It will help facilitate a healthier sex life if you intentionally practice non-sexual touch.
Get the compliments going, without initiating sex. Let your partner know what you love about them, what you notice, what you’re attracted to. You’re more likely to feel turned on later, if your partner let you know you look cute today, or noticed your new haircut. Overall, it’s going to nurture the positive vibes and set you up for intimacy later.
Schedule sex and non-sexual intimacy. The reality is, in our busy lives, we schedule the things that are important to us. If you’re looking for more connection and closeness with your partner, put it on the calendar. Set time aside to chat, share, or play together. And schedule a sex date. While it may at first seem un-sexy to schedule sex, it often actually allows couples to have more sex than they would otherwise. It gives opportunity for sex to be something you anticipate, look forward to, are thoughtful and intentional about. And everything leading up to it can act as great foreplay. When sex sits at the bottom of a to-do list or at the end of a long tiring day, it’s far less likely to happen, or it starts to feel like a chore.
If you or you and your partner find yourselves stuck and wanting a healthier sex life, I hope you’ll start with some of these key conversations or practices. If talking with a professional and getting a little more guidance along the way would help, I hope you’ll reach out. Click here for more on attachment therapy.
*Female sex education, in particular, tends to be especially lacking or absent. The best resource I know on female sexuality is Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are. If you’re at a loss for how to understand sex and your body, read it! Have your partner read it! And then talk about it.